I spent nearly an hour writing this reply to a comment I got yesterday. I did this because I understand the author took the time to craft a comment with the intention of being kind, and I felt it deserved a response. First the comment, then my answer.
Gia Says:
It must be frustrating and having you pull your hair out dealing with your mom. But its not fair to judge her by her flaws. I constantly say the serenity prayer to myself when i get into a frustrating situation.
Lord grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change
The courage to change the things that I can
and the wisdom to know the difference.
You cant change her (which im sure you know, lol) so try to put your energies into things you can control and more than anything continue to pray for wisdom that God will help you understand the difference between the two.
None of us are promised tomorrow and though it does get tiring always being the one to have to take the high road – you’ll be much more at peace when her final hour comes.
Ive been through it and know what the regrets can be.
I’ll pray that you are able to maintain your patience and kindness. Ill pray for your mom to practice humility, acceptance and also kindess.
I wish you both nothing but the best!
Peace, Love and Tight Hugs!
Gia,
I understand that your comment was intended to be comforting. For that I am grateful.
However, two things in your post have stuck in my mind. One is that you seem to think I am judging my mother by her flaws.
The purpose of this blog is to show what it is like to be the family member of a smoker who has stage four small cell lung cancer. It is my hope that somewhere, one or two smokers will read this blog and understand that what I’m feeling may be felt by their own loved ones someday.
I always knew that cancer is incredibly difficult, both for the patient and for the family. I had no idea HOW difficult until the day in May when I almost drove off the road because my mother called my cell phone to tell me she had cancer.
Mom’s oncologist told me that small cell lung cancer has five possible causes: smoking, smoking, smoking, smoking, and second hand smoke. My mother had the option to quit, and actively chose not to. She deeply regrets that now. And she daily lives with the guilt of knowing that long after she’s gone, I may develop this cancer, thanks to 20 years of second hand smoke as I was growing up.
And I daily live with the guilt that I couldn’t find a way to help her quit. It’s not logical. But it’s true.
All of these things, along with all of her “flaws,” are not pretty. They are a fact of life after a small cell lung cancer diagnosis. If I hope to show even one smoker what possible future they’re creating for themselves and their family, I have to display it all here.
What you’re seeing here is not judgment, but it is as close to “reporting” as I am capable of, given my emotional attachment to my mother. I write about her confusion and anger not because I think they’re wrong, but because I want folks to know that these are just two of many side effects that are endured in chemotherapy. I write about my frustration and fear not because I blame my mother, but because I want smokers to know that someday their loved ones may be feeling these same things. If you see somewhere in that post where I’m judging my mother, please let me know about it, because I want to eliminate that part immediately. My mother judges herself quite harshly every single day. She doesn’t need any help from me.
You also wrote about your prayers for me and my mother, and suggested that I do the same.
I thank you for your kindness in taking your time to do this for us. I know it is with the best of intentions, and it seems to be the only way that a stranger many miles away can actively try to help.
Perhaps my mother will find comfort in it, and I will let her know that you have done this for us. For me, it provides no comfort.
The Serenity Prayer is helpful to many people, but not to me. I don’t rely on a higher power to show me what I cannot change–long years of experience trying to change things and failing have clearly shown me my limitations, and there are many.
But I’m still searching for a way to make things better, if not for us, then for someone else. That’s why I write this blog. And the idea to do that did not come from divine inspiration, but from an earthbound friend. This friend has been a source of more help, comfort, wisdom, and inspiration than all the prayers I ever said when I was younger.
I can’t “make” my mother well, and I can’t “make” anyone else quit smoking. I can make my experience available, and I can hope that someone reads it and finds it useful. My own serenity prayer is the hope that I’ve contributed to making a positive difference for someone, somewhere.
I thank you for your prayers. However, it would be more comforting to me if you know someone who is thinking about quitting smoking, and told them about this blog, or told them about the entirely avoidable hell my family lives in. That could be the answer to my serenity prayer.
November 14, 2008 at 23:51
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November 17, 2008 at 16:48
Hi its Gia,
Im glad you found some comfort in my good intentions, if nothing else. Let me clarify that I am in no way a “holy roller” (sorry to all the holy rollers) or overly spiritual type that thinks you have to pray for some divine wisdom to do things right or think clearly. I believe in the practical application of common sense (not that I always hit my mark, lol) but i try.
I find the serenity prayer (heck even call it the serenity poem if it takes away some of the “spiritual overtones”) to just be good practice. I mean think about it – its really only saying that you want to put your energies in the places where they can truly be effective and being at peace with those things that you cannot change even though they may give you headaches from time to time.
Just like how you take the time to blog about your problems – you hope your blog could stop someone from smoking – you’re already living by it – doing your best to put your energies where they will make the most difference!
I took the time to read through your blog before I left that comment and I constantly read of your frustration with dealing with the effects cancer and its treatment was having on your mom and you and most of all the love you have for her.
She is your mother and I will aplogize for saying that you were judging her, that wasn’t the best way to put it. I think what I wanted to get across to you most was that there are many, many downsides to cancer and especially the treatment – but to try and focus on the positive. Not that you dont ever do that – but its something normally said when you see a person is a down a bit, just trying to reassure you that there is still some good.
Having dealt with unfortunately many sick family members (terminal and not) I know the exasperation of being on the other end of the phone while chaos is on the other end. So i truly have (based on what Ive read) some idea of the feelings of frustration, helplessness and even anger at times that can arise.
I certainly dont want to take over your blog with a war of words or anything – as your purpose for it was much more – But i did want to clarify my comments for you.
As always – nothing but love.